Coming Out As Non-Binary 1/1/21 

Being away from socialization has given me heightened sobriety, more time to honor my solitude, & space to explore my gender identity. 

I don’t really know how to put language to the way I experience gender. I’ve long struggled to relate with the gender binary and interfaced with that struggle in myriad ways. 

But I’ve found warmth in he, she, & they pronouns; whenever it feels like I’m being seen in sincerity. & I do think that I’ve decided not to wait until I’ve read enough about gender before I live into fullness. 

I am using they/them pronouns now.  

Over the summer & fall I wrote a collection of songs about my sexuality & how I never really “came out” as bi/Pansexual (for a mixture of both valid and self-defeating reasons).  

I was also reading about gender theory & was able to draw a lot of similarities between the ways I wouldn’t allow myself to be Queer & the ways I was now not allowing myself to be gender fluid.  

“It’s not my space to occupy.” “I don’t want to make people uncomfortable.” “It doesn’t even really matter.”  

I still don’t want to occupy anyone’s space unfairly. I still don’t want to make people uncomfortable. I still feel like just being who you are and doing what you want to do shouldn’t need to be announced.  

But, for the sake of curbing a predicted deluge of being asked why I am dressing in drag (not drag), that I would just say this succinctly: I am disavowing the gender binary. My pronouns are they/them.  

If you fuck up pronouns, it’s OK. It’s a new thing. Change is hard. I get it. If you intentionally do it, then that is *not* cool but I am somewhat used to being disregarded (shout out to everyone who still calls me an old name!) and I will just know we are not friends and that is totally OK too. 

I am an agile & evolving thing; elastic & fluid. I do not need to be well-defined to practice the things I find pleasing & I hope in the New Year that you’ll give yourself space to stretch out in all of your complexity and creativity. I’m cheering for you. 

 

City Beneath The City  

There is a stretch of Gay Street down near the old city that was built on top of the former street. Accidents and traffic down there by the old southern railway station inspired the construction of the first viaduct and a clumsy project which essentially consisted of building new businesses on top of the old ones. 

This lead to a "city beneath the city" that I heard many a hobo legend about when I first moved here. Some day I'll compile these stories into a collection about this mystic hidden city. I was really drawn to it and I came up with my own folklore about that city beneath the city. My stories were about a magical place hidden between the aesthetic progress of downtown and the exposed brick window to yesteryear in the Old City. 

I look at this rock with it's "#NoSafeSpaces" and I feel like I can't be looking at my city. This can't be the place I have considered home for these past few years. Right? Every time Hannah walks to work and she is yelled after by brutes in their testicle-laden trucks, I think, "This can't be my city?" 

That's because I know the city beneath the city. I know Knoxville's art and music. I know her tender mountain streams, quiet quarries, the very supportive community of musicians, the thoughtful conversations and gentle reflection on cool fall evenings in Market Square. 

Knoxville is a deeply flawed city ripe with racial inequality, police discrimination, legislated violence against the poor, rampant misogyny and trite tribal behaviors that are sadly predictable in this cultural climate. 

But there is something so beautiful and magical happening just underneath and I am so privileged to be a part of that. That's the Knoxville that I believe in. Just underneath this painting is a Kendrick Lamar quote. "We gon' be alright." I believe that. 

A lot of people in Knoxville are coming forward in the face of such declarations as "NO SAFE SPACES" to say, "We will be your safe spaces." This is not a threat that we take lightly. We will confront this staggering display of intolerance and hate with love and inclusion. 

If you need anything, please reach out. There is a city underneath this small-minded display and it loves you and it's happy you're here.